On Seeing a Cardiologist

I’m a diabetic. I have accepted that fact, but for almost two years diet, exercise and medication have lowered and stabilized my blood sugar. My last two doctor visits have betrayed me with a steady increase, a rise in my average blood sugar readings. My A1C score (average over 90 days) went from 6.1 to 6.7, not alarming but a significant change. My current medication had lowered my A1C score to 6.0 from a score of 8.9 when I was first diagnosed. Now, my own Excel charts and graphs were showing an increase. My average blood sugar readings were starting to rise again.

An A1C score of 6.0 is considered normal. With that score, I believed I was normal again! With some effort, a change in lifestyle and medication I allowed myself to believe that I had a handle on this disease and perhaps it would just go away, disappear. What I had not accepted is that what I have is a real disease. It is a progressive disease and as my doctor pointed out to me, in my last visit, I will at some point need to consider changing my medication. He explained that medications lose their effectiveness over time. Diabetes affects not only blood sugar, but that, in turn, will eventually affect my kidneys and my heart. Medication, diet and exercise can help hold off this damage, but the disease and its effect on my body will always be there until the day I die. I had to understand that I was not normal. I was successfully fighting a chronic disease, a disease that won’t just go away some day.

I had also been experiencing the sensation of rapid heartbeats and palpitations since my last doctor visit, so he did an EKG on my heart and compared it against my base line EKG taken earlier. There was something that had changed so he gave me a referral to a cardiologist to check it out. My appointment will be in a few days. My doctor said it may be nothing. I have a strong heartbeat, but then again…it may be something. It may be something that will require more medication, more tests and more treatment. It may be something that will make me more dependent on medicine, doctors and the need to have insurance coverage to pay for it all. (Better not lose my job!) I don’t like feeling dependent.

I don’t like the idea of something being inevitable. I am struggling against this idea of something being out of my control. There is a part of me that believes each of us has the ability to heal ourselves. Our bodies have everything it needs to reverse our abuse, our illness and heal. I am struggling with my fears of what if… And yes, we are all going to die…someday…of something. We just don’t know…when or what. Still, I’m struggling with my fears. I want to believe that my heart is still healthy and strong! Part of me wants to know if it IS something and part of me does not. Part of me wants to just go on and not think about being vulnerable to this fragile shell that seems to crumble more and more with the passing of time.

When I was a child, the worst health concern I had was if I was going to get a shot at my next visit to the doctor. Now, I wonder what part of my body will betray me next. I wonder if my insurance will cover the cost of medicine, treatment or an operation. What will be the quality of my life? I am struggling here damn it!

But aren’t we all? Stay tuned.

FOOD for THOUGHT...