Life on the Edge

Sometimes I feel like I’m living life on the edge. Life is full of so many twists and turns and yet we negotiate our paths on a tightrope. If we lean too far one way or the other, we fall off into the Abyss. One misstep could lead to our doom, yet stopping and standing still is not an option. Life calls us forward whether we want to go or not.

Recently, I had a checkup and my EKG caused my doctor some concern. He sent me to a cardiologist who sent me for some very expensive tests that could determine if I had serious heart problems. The outcome of this series of tests would determine if my life could go on as it had or would change dramatically, irreversibly for the worse. The outcome of these tests became a knife edge of reality, MY reality. Not knowing was no longer an option. It was a door I could not go around. It loomed large before me. I had to open it and walk through it.

In the weeks prior to the tests, my fears took hold of me like sudden gusts of wind. I struggled with my “balance pole” to keep my feet steady and thereby avoid the fall into the void. If the tests went one way, I might have to quit my job and undergo expensive hospitalization, surgery and a lifetime of medication to stay alive. Without a job I would have no insurance to pay for all the modern medicine that could sustain me. Even if I could find insurance… could I afford it? My fears whispered that we would lose our house and our life savings. Lisa might have to give up her artist lifestyle and go back to the corporate world in order to sustain my life at the ruination of hers. Could our marriage survive the stress? Would I be left sick, debt ridden and alone? My fears were definitely working overtime on my brain.

Since Lisa and I made our move to San Antonio, over 4 years ago, we have rebuilt our lives. Each of us has realized many or our hopes and dreams for our future together. We love our lives as they have unfolded down here. Watching Lisa grow and develop as an artist in her own right has been amazing. I have enjoyed my work at the Alamo, which allowed one of my dreams to come true. I published a beautiful book about the Alamo. Our wonderful house and yard have provided me with endless projects to satisfy the “gardener” and “handyman” in me. The thought of losing it all was overwhelming me.

Lisa refused to let my dark thoughts be expressed. She would not hear them because she worried that if they were expressed, I would attract that outcome. (We create our own reality.) We worked on positive affirmations and thoughts to crowd out the negative fears that were always there…waiting to pounce. I began keeping my fears to myself which left me quiet and withdrawn at times. Part of me kept saying that if the results were not good, I still had to have a plan of attack. How would I deal with the news? No matter how I struggled, it kept coming back that it was REAL and it was happening to… ME. I was walking on the edge of knowing. It was my tightrope.

The day before the tests, I wrote down all of my fears on a piece of paper and folded it. I then wrote down all of my positive affirmations on another piece of paper. In our home, Lisa and I have this ceramic elephant. We put our hopes, dreams and visions into the elephant jar to send them out to the Universe. In a small ceremony, I put my positive affirmations into the elephant and we burned the fears in a bowl to release them…to let them go.

The day after the tests, the clinic called and notified me that my results were normal. Life goes on.

Food for THOUGHT…