Breaking News!

President Palin and Vice President Cheney just announced that the Gulf of Mexico is now full of oil. BP has also announced that their barrier from the tip of Florida to Venezuela is finished much to the pleasure of Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez. Vice President Cheney was seen loading extra battery packs to his pacemaker in all the excitement.


“What a wonderful day for America,” said President Palin. “Dick’s dream has come true. The secret energy policy he put together with the heads of all the oil companies and his own firm, Haliburton, during the Bush administration, has now come to pass. I want to thank all of you who kept the faith to ‘drill, baby, drill.’ I also want to thank all the state and federal regulators, congressmen and senators that resisted the calls of the environmentalists, liberals and even you progressives out there (you know who you are) and used that money you were given to make this day happen. God Bless you!”

Vice President Cheney was wheeled to the podium in the White House Rose Garden for a few remarks. With tears in his eyes, he said, “This is the happiest day of my life. Without the massive incompetence and corruption of the folks at BP, we could never have accomplished such a natural wonder as this sea of petroleum off our shores. Yes, there are those whiners and complainers that we have yet to round up under my new American Patriots Act, and they will tell you that we have traded our secure energy future for a bunch of dead birds and fish that nobody gives a damn about. There are people that have hotels, resorts and homes along the coast that are crying in their beers over the black, sticky goo covering once pristine beaches, but I say to them, tough nuggies. Get over it. We got oil, baby!”

There was a bit of a stir as Vice President Cheney was being wheeled from the podium. Some reports indicated a small amount of smoke was coming from his pacemaker. President Palin returned to the podium and continued with her remarks and a stunning announcement. After putting on a fresh coat of lipstick, she said, “To our former friends in the Middle East, go pound sand! We’ve got more oil than all of you combined now. To the rest of the world, bring your tankers to the Florida Keys and get in line. The new Dick Cheney / Haliburton Oil Port is open for bid’ness.”

As the President was concluding her remarks at the White House, other reports were coming from New Orleans indicating that a massive oil fire was burning up the evacuated Gulf Coast and spreading out to sea. The public was told not to worry, however. The BP Fire Suppression Team was on it and they would have the fire out soon.

Food for THOUGHT…